When I was little (13 but still very small), my father asked me if I knew the most effective form of contraception. I said condoms, with confidence. He shook his head in disappointment. “Abstinence,” he said. “Abstinence is the only 100% effective way.”
So when I say that abstaining from drinking is the only 100% effective way to avoid hangovers, just smother a laugh and roll your eyes, as I did when my dad offered that little gem of wisdom. Because we all know, resolutions or no resolutions, that you’re probably going to drink at some point in the next year — unless you truly rock a sober lifestyle, in which case, cheers to that. For the rest of us, we can be sure that one of those drinking sessions might just maybe go a little too long into the night, and that the morning after will inevitably lead to something you’ve experienced too many times to count: a hangover.
If you’re reading this, it’s too late for some of these hangover remedies. Actually if you’re reading this, today, the morning after New Year’s Eve, chances are you probably didn’t go out last night — maybe due to omicron, sobriety, fear of large crowds, crusher pow day tomorrow, etc. But, if you’re enough of a masochist to enjoy reading articles while massively hungover, then, well, some of this might be useful.
When you drink, you introduce an irritant to the body that has to be processed and eliminated. Alcohol is a diuretic that pulls water from the body, so dehydration is part of it, but most evidence points to the toxin acetaldehyde, which is created as the liver metabolizes and tries to remove alcohol from the body. Due to genetic variations, each person has more or less of the enzyme needed to break this toxin down. The greater the presence of this toxin, the worse the hangover.
Whatever particular type of hangover you’re experiencing, the first, best and most scientifically proven method is hair of the dog. Originally, the expression referred to a method of treating a rabid dog bite: hair from the dog was placed in the wound. So in that sense, having another drink (any drink) is like taking hair from the dog that bit you.
While most of the medical community might frown upon this advice, I can tell you from years of hypotheses and rigorous field tests that this is the absolute best way to get rid of a hangover. I’m not saying transition right into another full bender (I’m not not saying that), but ripping the Bandaid off first thing in the morning can be a game changer.
When I was 18 or 19, before I got good at being hungover, I walked into a double at a busy brew pub looking a bit worse for the wear. Someone who shall remain nameless at the time took one look at me and said, “Young fella, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson that will pay dividends for the rest of your life.” He then poured me a double shot of Jager. Not unlike a boss, I tossed it back and strutted around the restaurant for a few minutes. Then I went and projectile-vomited off the loading dock.
But now that I’ve shown my liver who’s in charge (LOOK AT ME! I’M THE CAPTAIN NOW!), a morning drink is my go-to when the going gets tough. Here’s some great morning-after drinks, ranked from least to most masochistic: Bloody Maria with extra horseradish, Michelada, Aperol spritz, Campari and soda, one of those Seltzys with electrolytes, a shot of Casamigos which is the (trigger warning) Fireball of tequila, Underberg, a shot of room-temp fernet.
Now say you’re not a hair-of-the-dog type of person or you don’t have access to booze in the morning. The next best thing is to smoke some weed. Don’t smoke? Try a vaporizer. Not your thing? Try an edible. Too much of a body high? I wouldn’t know but CBD might help. I’ve never tried microdosing a hangover away, but I’ve heard that can work as well.
A few years ago my cousin regaled me with a fantastical tale about a bachelor party he went to with a bunch of EMTs. They had IVs for breakfast everyday. I’ve been trying to get every bachelor party I’ve been to since to implement this, but no luck yet.
Now that we’ve discussed some questionable remedies, here are a few that are a bit more mainstream. Eating a proper meal before, during or after your bender and crushing water before, during and after your bender are foolproof ways to lessen the effects of a hangover. It might not put you in the clear entirely, but it can take a stage-five-I-can’t-move hangover to something a bit more manageable. If all else fails and you haven’t been drinking water during your partying, chugging a few glasses before you pass out is a good habit. A closeable water bottle with a straw lid on the bedside table is key — you can just roll over and not even have to sit up to hydrate.
Say you missed all of those steps during your full sender. You can still try to rehydrate in the morning. Pedialyte or Gatorade are pretty good but can be too sugary for me. I keep a powdered electrolyte on hand most of the time for exercise purposes, but every now and then I’ll have some in the morning. Soda water with a healthy amount of Angostura can work wonders. If you did all that and it still hurts, Dr. Pepper is your friend. Tons of sugar, sure, but something about the Doctor just hits differently when you’re hungover. Whatever you’re drinking the morning after, sodium and electrolytes are key.
And finally, exercise! This might ostracize some people, but I’ve had many a hangover cured by a powder day that I just couldn't skip. I’ve also gone on sufferfest long runs and a few miles in, completely forgot about my hangover. Sometimes just sweating and being in a different kind of pain cave can make the hangover go away. One time I had a debilitating post-birthday hangover, and I ate what I thought was a Tums while I was in the lift line. Turns out it was an alka seltzer. I started foaming at the mouth on the lift and terrified the family riding up with me.
Happy New Year!
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January 01, 2022 at 05:00PM
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Cocktail Corner: How to lose a hangover in 10 ways - Aspen Daily News
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